finding neverland.

ok. so this isn't the best picture in the world, but that's beside the point. tonight me and ben and casey saw finding neverland. i liked the movie, but stewart bronaugh belonged in it. we were persuaded to buy the combo and ended up with a tub of popcorn, 2 extra large drinks, and a bag of peanut butter m&m's. yes. we ate it all. down to the last kernel. poor casey had crutches and we made fun of her the whole time by calling her a cripple, running ahead of her, and stealing her crutches so she couldn't walk.

as usual, stewart popped up out of nowhere with his magical powers and invited us to eat dinner with gregory, alex, clair c., tory, jessica, some guy, some girl, and other random people who filtered in and out of the table. of couse, casey and ben left about 15 minutes into it and it was kind of awkward. but after me and greg and stew ran off to gap to browse the sweaters and scarves, it was all good. by that time, the girls had returned with news that the security guard was looking for them because they overflowed one of the bathroom sinks, and i had to go. dad pulled up in front of the mall about 2 minutes later.

the end.

tonight the musical closed. after months of spending time with these people, we all had to part. i know that it's not a final farewell, but it will never be the same. at rehearsal, people are one way, but back in the real world, they change. what i had during the past weeks is, for the most part, gone.

at dinner, though my mouth was quivering, i pretended to smile. when i brushed away the salty drops, i pretended i was rubbing my tired eyes.

i don't like to let things go.

i'm dying.

where have i gone?

don't be shy.

Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by. Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there. Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead. And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by. On by. You know love is better than a song. Love is where all of us belong. So don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by. Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there. You're there.

i can't decide. am i still the shy, mysterious girl i used to be? or am i different now? it's actually more than what i am; it's what i want to be. so many different people know me as someone who i might not nescessarily be. or else they know me as my dream. the problem is, those who know me as my dream don't really know me, and they make me not know myself. i can't keep up the act forever unless i change to be that way for everyone. i'm not sure what to do. but am i ever? no. it's just that i feel that there is so much competition in the world. i want everyone to like me, so i have to change myself to be like other people who are likeable, but i'll never be as good as being them as they are being themselves. i can't beat them, but i still try. it doesn't make sense for me to go on like i am. if i keep doing this, i'll just be absorbed into the superficial world as a clone with bits and pieces of everyone else. i won't be who i am. but i was thinking a few years ago, and i realized there is really no "yourself" unless you live your entire life sheilded from people and propaganda. if you lived in a forest, stark naked, with no people to influence you, you would probably be yourself. then again, since it seems like there is no true originality, i suppose the definition of that has altered to incorperate what today's idea of originality is, which doesn't really fit at all. every person has been influenced by humans and the media and everything else around them, besides things like nature and animals, since the day they were born. so all of those ideas are put into their minds and never really leave. all those ideas make their mind grow, but they grow with those given ideas. no one can make their own idea withought influences to guide it. people learn from experiencing things; they don't just know something. there has to be something that sparks the resolution. if i keep typing, i'll just go in a circle and start right back at the beginning of this. it's one big cycle. and it makes no sense, but yet, at the same time, it makes complete sense. depends on how you look at it. but looking at it will influence your own minds and will make you that small degree less of yourself (but as i was saying before... there is no "yourself"... see, i've already gone back to the beginning).

all i can do is sigh.

it makes me feel left out, but there's nothing anyone can do about that. i can't expect him to change his life so it includes me. i can't expect him to replace his friends with me. it's not even official, and i'm starting to get the picture that it will never be. atleast not until we can drive. but that might be too long, and it will still never meet the standards it needs to, especially not for the way he feels. we talked about that for a long while. i'm just jealous that other people get to spend so much time with him when i don't get any. and it seems like i deserve some time with the way i feel. it's just disappointing, you know? i'm holding myself back from other people because of him, when we're both saying that it probably won't happen between us. i want it to happen, but if it's not, i need to know so i can get on with my life (not that i really want to...). i don't want to sound so negative about the situation though - i'm lucky enough as it is... even though i'm in a rut. but all i can do is sigh and tough it out. i know it'll turn out just fine.

the scarecrow.

i love this scarecrow. sorry, boys (especially luke), but he is my soulmate. i'm debating between adding this picture or one of the giant bonfire, so i think i'll just comprimise and add both.

a photograph.

i like this picture because it's so soft. like a pillow. or a blanket in winter after you come in from the snow and curl up by the fire with hot chocolate and your best friend.

i'm so excited that i figured how to add photographs to this now. because i love snapshots of time, since you can never, ever go back.

and here is the bonfire.

b-dog's birthday bash.

Last night I went to Jennifer's, and it was so much fun. But I wish he had come. Too late now. Only 364 more days until the next B-dog birthday bash.

I'll write more on this later. I have to make him something.

memory of a free festival.

The children of the summer's end gathered in the dampened grass. We played our songs and felt the London sky resting on our hands - it was God's land. It was ragged and naive - it was heaven. Touch, we touched the very soul of holding each and every life. We claimed the very source of joy ran through. It didn't, but it seemed that way. I kissed alot of people that day. Oh, to capture just one drop of all the ecstacy that swept that afternoon, to paint that love upon a white balloon and fly it from the toppest tops of all the tops that man has pushed beyond his brain. Satori must be something just the same.

The Sun Machine is Coming Down, and We're Gonna Have a Party.

For OC lovers, tonight is heaven. But for people like myself and Ben, who, just as I was, sits on his bed eating m&m's, it's not so great. Sometimes I wish that I could be into what everyone else is so I could get excited over little things that really don't matter. So I could be part of that world-wide "clan". I'm just not. I have my own quirks and odd things that I like, and I love them, I really do, but it's just upsetting that I can't seem to find anyone else to get silly about them with (unlike all you OC fans). I don't like this blog so far. So I'm moving on.

Today consisted of numerous random mood changes. The smallest things made me furious, and the greatest things didn't seem to affect me at all. It's almost like I'm regressing back into the familiar numbness of 8th grade, except it's different. Back then, I was numb but I noticed things. Now I feel like I'm completely oblivious. I'm still an observer, of course, but it's not the same. And I don't like that. I don't like this blog either.

I have dirt under my fingernails, my face is rough from sand, and my back is aching. I work too hard.

And I complain too much.

And I see what I have, and I appriciate it, but I never show that appriciation.

And I'm still complaining.

Signing off so I can go complain to the wall and not you. I don't want to be known as this kind of person.

welcoming myself to the blogging clan.

well, here i am. blog number one. yeah. i'm trying to think of a good name to title this thing, and i thought of the best ones. and then of course, right when i thought of them, i forgot them. so i'm back to square one. my mind will come around eventually.

i could say something beautiful right here. something to shock the world and get this off to a wonderful start, but a) i have no time, and b) i'm just too tired. it's that tiredness where you can't even tell if you actually exist or not; you can't tell if you're sleeping or awake; if you're living or dead. it's a fog that i've been trying to escape, but i've lost my way. where am i?