amnesia child.

perception

2007-08-12T20:54:00.001-07:00

low self esteem. hitting hard. i'm good for certain things but other things i see and just think "if only...". things i can't control no matter what.

deprevation.

2007-08-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

so i failed at keeping up that blog. i think i come back once a year and post twice and then can't keep it up. went on the leadership retreat with all the cool seniors and had a blast. i miss it already, at least i miss the people. i feel socially deprived just in the hour i've been home. made me think alot. about how much i've missed in the past two years. boyfriend is good sometimes but it keeps me from doing things with people in my grade and alienates me from them to the point where i don't even know how to socialize. luckily a certain few people were extra friendly to me on the trip.

i miss cuddling. i miss flirting. i miss when every little touch - brush of the arm, legs next to each other on the couch - was so exciting. i got a small hint of that on the trip. it was fun. lots. middle school magic. giggly girl. smiles. shy eye contact. got enough to tide me over.

price point furniture commercial is terrible.

day two

2006-07-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

i'm managing to keep my word!

today monsieur vaughn and i are going to the mall to buy him some clothes and eat some malibu chicken from california wraps. that stuff is both disgusting and amazing at the same time. let's just say that eating one of those wraps pretty much maxes you out on daily cals. but it's SO worth it.

on the other hand, if you haven't experienced baja burrito you haven't lived. that place tops the charts, and you feel healthy after you eat it too. go there today. get a chicken burrito with rice, beans, sour cream, lettuce, CHEESE, and then whatever else you want. you can add chips and a drink to your order for like $1.50. BAJA BURRITO ROCKS THE WORLD!

i'd like to take this moment to thank my barn girls for introducing me to the magical resto. without them, i don't know where i'd be eating.

promise that will last about 2 days

2006-07-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

i am going to ressurect my blog, except no one looks at it except tracy.

so.

i forgot how to do this.

today i rode tippy. she was a good girl. dad and i went to subway, i went home, and then i cleaned my saddle for the first time in lord knows how long. it drank that oil up.

it was a good day, for the most part.

i went to visit pacey! i'm still his mommy, as far as i am concerned. though the child services have taken him away and found a different girl to adopt him, i will never succumb to believe that he's not my big boy. i love pacey!

i have returned

2005-12-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

here i am! i'm back!

we gun' huntin' fer dem chrissmus trees yestiday and daddy hesa buy'd a bigun.

am i just in hillbilly mode today? yes, sir.

sketching the character.

2005-02-02T16:52:00.000-08:00

first of all - this is not the real girl. and secondly, my character sketch needs help so if you've got some time on your hands go ahead and copy what i have, print it out, edit it, and give it back to me. it would be much appriciated. not to mention i have yet to finish the end.

My darling Amelie bent down to pluck a yellow daffodil which she added to the small bouquet held in her other hand. Her white dress patterned by pink and green flowers ruffled in the gentle breeze of warm summer air, and I called her name through the open window that funneled the sweet smell of freshly mowed grass into the house. Amelie turned her small, pale face towards me, inquisitively bearing her accenting intense chocolate almond eyes into my own. I smiled as she held up the glorious bouquet to her pleasant face. After a moment she returned to her barefoot business in the lush green grass. I observed my daughter, a creature of mystery to everyone but myself. People asked frequently about her coyness, but “Amelie,” I told them, “isn’t like others”. Five years old and she’d already developed a multi-faced personality; she rambled about everyday things one moment and grew silent in an analysis of something that caught her attention, things that her contemporaries overlooked. Her quiet nature, mistakenly characterized as fear or timidity, was merely a hushed and reclusive easiness in which her imagination, constantly yearning for something new to satisfy its wonder, was free to fly. The wheels of my young explorer’s pensive and curious mind never ceased their turning.
Left of the window, where Amelie had wandered, floated her faint voice, naturally soft like the beating wings of a hummingbird. My ears had been trained to detect this nearly silent sound. “Mama,” she called, “will you come push me?” I heard the creaking of the swing set and moseyed outside. My round-faced five year, poised on the swing with a purposeful posture, watched me with patient anticipation as I approached and pressed my fingers into the softness of her back in a push. Her two-toned blonde hair, paired with wispy bangs, fell choppily directly under her small ears and bobbed with swaying of the swing. As she rocked higher and higher, grace radiated from the powerful movements of her pumping legs dimpled with traces of baby fat. Her arms extended gently like a dancer’s and showed hints of muscle. The tiny padded hands loosely gripped the swing’s clinking chains.

And it was during these moments when I was reminded of the beauty of a child.

2005-01-17T20:19:00.001-08:00

2005-01-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

2005-01-17T19:08:00.001-08:00

2005-01-17T19:08:00.000-08:00

2005-01-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

2005-01-17T16:58:00.000-08:00

self explanatory.

2005-01-16T22:40:00.000-08:00

"she fell in love with the drummer."

my eden.

2005-01-14T19:09:00.000-08:00

what claire does when she's bored.

2005-01-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

mermaid in the dark

2004-12-23T16:40:00.000-08:00

the new method: scanner-art. i call her "mermaid in the dark".

desolee

2004-12-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

sorry. as with everyone, life has begun to catch up with me. i've taken every moment in which i haven't been busy to either close my eyes, daydream, or stare at the ceiling and think thoughts too profound for my 15 year old mind. homecoming was a disaster for the most part, but there were some good moments. i'll elaborate on that later when my stomach doesn't feel like it's being ripped into a thousand pieces inside my body. aparently i try too hard and it's still not good enough. but whose standards am i going by anyway? the sky will soon permenantly be "a hazy shade of winter" and in 1.5 days i will have 2.5 weeks of beautiful freedom. let the countdown begin!

watching another day turn into night. there goes

another month. doesn't it frighten you so?

can i get close to ya, if only for awhile?

me and gray at my house before the dance. do i look funny in that picture?

dinner before homecoming.

2004-12-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

after gray picked me up, we went out to dinner with mikey, jessica, hannah, and ben at the mellow mushroom and i got my first taste of the jerk chicken pizza which i have been craving for a week now.

finding neverland.

2004-11-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

ok. so this isn't the best picture in the world, but that's beside the point. tonight me and ben and casey saw finding neverland. i liked the movie, but stewart bronaugh belonged in it. we were persuaded to buy the combo and ended up with a tub of popcorn, 2 extra large drinks, and a bag of peanut butter m&m's. yes. we ate it all. down to the last kernel. poor casey had crutches and we made fun of her the whole time by calling her a cripple, running ahead of her, and stealing her crutches so she couldn't walk.

as usual, stewart popped up out of nowhere with his magical powers and invited us to eat dinner with gregory, alex, clair c., tory, jessica, some guy, some girl, and other random people who filtered in and out of the table. of couse, casey and ben left about 15 minutes into it and it was kind of awkward. but after me and greg and stew ran off to gap to browse the sweaters and scarves, it was all good. by that time, the girls had returned with news that the security guard was looking for them because they overflowed one of the bathroom sinks, and i had to go. dad pulled up in front of the mall about 2 minutes later.

the end.

2004-11-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

tonight the musical closed. after months of spending time with these people, we all had to part. i know that it's not a final farewell, but it will never be the same. at rehearsal, people are one way, but back in the real world, they change. what i had during the past weeks is, for the most part, gone.

at dinner, though my mouth was quivering, i pretended to smile. when i brushed away the salty drops, i pretended i was rubbing my tired eyes.

i don't like to let things go.

i'm dying.

2004-11-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

where have i gone?

don't be shy.

2004-11-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by. Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there. Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead. And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by. On by. You know love is better than a song. Love is where all of us belong. So don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by. Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there. You're there.

i can't decide. am i still the shy, mysterious girl i used to be? or am i different now? it's actually more than what i am; it's what i want to be. so many different people know me as someone who i might not nescessarily be. or else they know me as my dream. the problem is, those who know me as my dream don't really know me, and they make me not know myself. i can't keep up the act forever unless i change to be that way for everyone. i'm not sure what to do. but am i ever? no. it's just that i feel that there is so much competition in the world. i want everyone to like me, so i have to change myself to be like other people who are likeable, but i'll never be as good as being them as they are being themselves. i can't beat them, but i still try. it doesn't make sense for me to go on like i am. if i keep doing this, i'll just be absorbed into the superficial world as a clone with bits and pieces of everyone else. i won't be who i am. but i was thinking a few years ago, and i realized there is really no "yourself" unless you live your entire life sheilded from people and propaganda. if you lived in a forest, stark naked, with no people to influence you, you would probably be yourself. then again, since it seems like there is no true originality, i suppose the definition of that has altered to incorperate what today's idea of originality is, which doesn't really fit at all. every person has been influenced by humans and the media and everything else around them, besides things like nature and animals, since the day they were born. so all of those ideas are put into their minds and never really leave. all those ideas make their mind grow, but they grow with those given ideas. no one can make their own idea withought influences to guide it. people learn from experiencing things; they don't just know something. there has to be something that sparks the resolution. if i keep typing, i'll just go in a circle and start right back at the beginning of this. it's one big cycle. and it makes no sense, but yet, at the same time, it makes complete sense. depends on how you look at it. but looking at it will influence your own minds and will make you that small degree less of yourself (but as i was saying before... there is no "yourself"... see, i've already gone back to the beginning).

all i can do is sigh.

2004-11-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

it makes me feel left out, but there's nothing anyone can do about that. i can't expect him to change his life so it includes me. i can't expect him to replace his friends with me. it's not even official, and i'm starting to get the picture that it will never be. atleast not until we can drive. but that might be too long, and it will still never meet the standards it needs to, especially not for the way he feels. we talked about that for a long while. i'm just jealous that other people get to spend so much time with him when i don't get any. and it seems like i deserve some time with the way i feel. it's just disappointing, you know? i'm holding myself back from other people because of him, when we're both saying that it probably won't happen between us. i want it to happen, but if it's not, i need to know so i can get on with my life (not that i really want to...). i don't want to sound so negative about the situation though - i'm lucky enough as it is... even though i'm in a rut. but all i can do is sigh and tough it out. i know it'll turn out just fine.

the scarecrow.

2004-11-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

i love this scarecrow. sorry, boys (especially luke), but he is my soulmate. i'm debating between adding this picture or one of the giant bonfire, so i think i'll just comprimise and add both.

a photograph.

2004-11-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

i like this picture because it's so soft. like a pillow. or a blanket in winter after you come in from the snow and curl up by the fire with hot chocolate and your best friend.

i'm so excited that i figured how to add photographs to this now. because i love snapshots of time, since you can never, ever go back.

2004-11-07T18:26:00.000-08:00

and here is the bonfire.

b-dog's birthday bash.

2004-11-07T17:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to Jennifer's, and it was so much fun. But I wish he had come. Too late now. Only 364 more days until the next B-dog birthday bash.

I'll write more on this later. I have to make him something.

memory of a free festival.

2004-11-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

The children of the summer's end gathered in the dampened grass. We played our songs and felt the London sky resting on our hands - it was God's land. It was ragged and naive - it was heaven. Touch, we touched the very soul of holding each and every life. We claimed the very source of joy ran through. It didn't, but it seemed that way. I kissed alot of people that day. Oh, to capture just one drop of all the ecstacy that swept that afternoon, to paint that love upon a white balloon and fly it from the toppest tops of all the tops that man has pushed beyond his brain. Satori must be something just the same.

The Sun Machine is Coming Down, and We're Gonna Have a Party.

2004-11-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

For OC lovers, tonight is heaven. But for people like myself and Ben, who, just as I was, sits on his bed eating m&m's, it's not so great. Sometimes I wish that I could be into what everyone else is so I could get excited over little things that really don't matter. So I could be part of that world-wide "clan". I'm just not. I have my own quirks and odd things that I like, and I love them, I really do, but it's just upsetting that I can't seem to find anyone else to get silly about them with (unlike all you OC fans). I don't like this blog so far. So I'm moving on.

Today consisted of numerous random mood changes. The smallest things made me furious, and the greatest things didn't seem to affect me at all. It's almost like I'm regressing back into the familiar numbness of 8th grade, except it's different. Back then, I was numb but I noticed things. Now I feel like I'm completely oblivious. I'm still an observer, of course, but it's not the same. And I don't like that. I don't like this blog either.

I have dirt under my fingernails, my face is rough from sand, and my back is aching. I work too hard.

And I complain too much.

And I see what I have, and I appriciate it, but I never show that appriciation.

And I'm still complaining.

Signing off so I can go complain to the wall and not you. I don't want to be known as this kind of person.

welcoming myself to the blogging clan.

2004-11-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

well, here i am. blog number one. yeah. i'm trying to think of a good name to title this thing, and i thought of the best ones. and then of course, right when i thought of them, i forgot them. so i'm back to square one. my mind will come around eventually.

i could say something beautiful right here. something to shock the world and get this off to a wonderful start, but a) i have no time, and b) i'm just too tired. it's that tiredness where you can't even tell if you actually exist or not; you can't tell if you're sleeping or awake; if you're living or dead. it's a fog that i've been trying to escape, but i've lost my way. where am i?